Memories of Long Lost Loves…

Memories of Long Lost Loves…

I had a dream of my ex-boyfriend, my first real boyfriend.
He was like my dream come true. He was my perfect man. I loved him so much. I was 13 and he was 14. He was handsome, and cute, and my romantic ideal. He would surprise me, visit me constantly, we regularly kissed, despite the fact that I was categorically fat and ugly. He saw something beautiful in me. And he was special for that.  When he told me that he had to move away to live with his mother, I was devastated. My world was shattered. I skipped school and walked the streets of my neighbourhood crying, and a rude neighbour even commented that I looked ugly. It was horrible. This boy was far beyond his years. He saw the beauty in me that I would only later come to see.
Then one day, I was working downstairs on the computer in the basement, and suddenly someone came walking down towards my basement. It was him! I couldn’t believe it. It was like he came back from the dead. He literally sat beside me and smiled a happy grin I will never forget. And to boot, the fact that he came to visit even though he had no obligation to show to me his true feelings for me. He wasn’t dating me because he was sorry for me. He wasn’t dating me because he pitied me. He honestly liked me and saw something in me! I couldn’t believe it, he saw the worth in me before anyone else did. And he and I resumed our relationship. He and I started to be more sexual and I believe we even hit a a few bases. But eventually it faded. But we still hung out. Sometimes he could throw rocks at my window and I would sneak out and run the streets amok with him. We didn’t do anything deviant. We simply talked, hung out. Sometimes we went to the swings at the park. We became confidants, and talked about relationships, school, and everything in between. Even when I was with someone else, I always would be open to anything with him. He was my first love. So I always held out hope.
All the more reason why I was devastated when he asked me if it was alright if he asked out my best friend. She was a stunner. Model-like. I acquiesced since he asked politely, but internally I was torn. They dated for quite a while. I found out later that they had sex.
But even when he was with her, he still showed his true love for me. We were at a grade 9 dance. I was dancing with another ex-boyfriend. And then I was teasing him with water. I was pretending like I was going to splash him with my water bottle. He had my balloon so I thought I was being cute (in all fairness, I did invite him under false pretenses, we had a deviant plan because he hurt both me and my friend who he also dated). I decided to spray him with water. Then he had this angry look and then grabbed me by the neck and pushed me against the wall and lifted me up. He had me dangling by the legs! It didn’t take him too long to release me. I couldn’t believe it, I was shocked and said, “What the F$*@!?” So I ran to my ex-boyfriend and essentially screaming over top the loud music playing in the background, I explained what happened. He stood up, with his chest high and back straight, and suddenly had a purpose. He went to the woman-choker and spoke words to him I couldn’t hear. Then they went outside and my ex-boyfriend punched the abuser him across the face! And he didn’t budge or flinch, like he knew he deserved it.
Unfortunately after the fact, as we were walking away towards my house, we were followed by a gang and they beat him up. He was kicked and punched as he was lying on the ground. It is all a blur, I don’t remember what my best friend and I did. But we must have freaked out I’m sure. Eventually they ran away. He was able to stand up but he had a bloodied face. All my best friend could do was fret about what her parent’s reaction would be to what had happened. I had thought it was a little selfish since I just got choked and he was just beaten.
The last time we ever hung out, which was years later, he like old times threw rocks at my window. I went outside and we went to the swings. He told me he had a girlfriend and got her pregnant. We talked about the past, about good times, about bad. I didn’t know it at the time, but this was the end for us. I still believed ever so slightly there was still a chance for a happy ending for us. But I was wrong.
So that is the sad tale of my first ever boyfriend. Sometimes I search for him on Facebook to see if we can meet again and see how things are doing. I heard he was doing roofing or something like that. Not a white collar sort of guy, but he was such a good guy who truly loved me. But alas, since his name is so common, it is so hard to pinpoint.
So for me to have a dream of him last night was special. I never dream about him. I dreamed that we were working together. And he died. There were these funeral arrangements, I was an off the phone customer service representative (or must have been because I was working in their vicinity). I was getting ready to go to the funeral. I vaguely remember a funeral service, it was night time, and walking was involved. But I remember feeling profound sadness (in the dream and possibly while awake too). It was such a sad dream.
What could have happened yesterday to explain this dream? What is happening in my life in general? Well, recently, I have been preparing for our trip to Europe. My husband and I are going to Italy and France. And I have been excited! My relationship is going strong. We are being more thoughtful, romantic, and sweet and loving. I am sure the Risperidone is helping since it is a marked changed in my personality since taking it. And I have been investing more in the relationship by cooking, cleaning, and looking good. Just yesterday, he was so pleased with how I looked. He said he is married to a gorgeous wife. And I have been more at peace. At work, things are awesome. I am getting great feedback from my co-workers and managers. I am at peace too, even more-so than usual.
I dread seeing my crush at work because I don’t know how I would deal with it. He’s the one person who can completely unhinge me right now, and the past has shown it. I am quite confident that he likes me back, but he’s not doing anything about it. I am not sure if it is for good or bad reasons, but he’s not capitalizing on the situation (I would hope by now he highly suspects I like him back). Probably the biggest hint that we like each other is when he noticed this girl and I were switching desks. I had approached her by request of my manager to tell her to set up her desk where I was. And it was right next to him. Then when she was next to him, he said, “Playing musical chairs?” in a sort of flirty way. I was watching because I was super jealous, admittedly. And then after about 1-2 seconds, he looked at me straight on, and with purpose. I looked down and away very obviously. So after he made a witty, funny comment where he was potentially flirting with a pretty young girl, he looked right at me. I have read online that when a guy flirts with another girl, he will look at the person he likes to see their reaction. And when someone makes a joke or says something witty, they look at the person they care most about or want to get closer to. He fit all those categories. And he probably got what he wanted to know. He saw me watching but looking away with shame and guilt.
Yesterday, it was my first time talking about my husband near him. Although I was not speaking too loudly, I talked in more detail about the trip and about my husband. And when I was leaving the building, he was trailing behind me. And when I was entering the car, I think he was watching but we didn’t say anything. So it was conflicting. and as I have mentioned, I have been dreading walking into him. I don’t know how I feel about it. I feel a lot about it. I think I love him in some way. And I am jealous of his wife and family. But I am also happy in my relationship and want the most happiness for him. And I don’t want to risk my job or my life, or his neither.
So what does this dream mean? I read online that if you dream about an ex-boyfriend dying, it might mean that you are shy in real life and afraid to chase after your goals. That sounds about right, at least with my crush. It could also mean that you are no longer thinking about the past and looking to focus on new relationships. So it could go either way with that interpretation. So I am at a loss still, I suppose. Will have to live to fight another day.