My First Episode

My First Episode

***Trigger Warning*** (graphic imagery)
The story of my episode begins at a rehearsal when I laid eyes on this other guy. Thoughts became obsessions and soon after I couldn’t stop thinking about this guy. I was becoming so creative because of him too. He was my muse. I was writing music, and I was writing a story, one which I was trying to carry out in real life using the principles in the book entitled “The Art of Seduction” by Robert Greene. I would basically use my story as a plan for real life. I was trying to find a way to seduce this man even while I considered myself to be a Christian (roughly speaking).
One night I was taking a bath and I was listening to the sounds of nature and I felt just so connected to the universe. And when I looked into the mirror, I saw this guy instead of myself in the mirror for a brief second… it was a very clear vision of him in the mirror. It was certainly something that stuck with me, although it didn’t send off any red flags to me at the time, or even registered that it was a hallucination…
I was trying to reason my way out of being a Christian to allow myself to continue with the seduction with this guy. In June of 2014 I lost my job. It was at this moment that I decided to tell this guy of my feelings, which was a stressful time for me. Telling him left open a lot of unanswered questions.

A month later, in July, I told my husband about the infatuation I had for another man because I was suffering and had nobody to talk to. I was debating changing my beliefs from Christian to Atheist just to justify having an affair or getting divorced.

Then, over time I started developing these strange thought processes. I was reading into a lot of signs that being with this other guy was meant to be. In the past, I was thinking of changing my name to Ella, and his last name had “Ella” contained in it. So I put two-and-two together and I started to believe that he was made for me because of the Ella connection. Eventually, I started to believe that I was the virgin herself, the Virgin Mary (also because Virgin was contained in his name). Then later, I started to believe that he was Jesus.

I would watch movies and they would seem to give me messages from him telepathically. I thought he (or Jesus) proposed to me. There was a song that came on, “I Can Only Imagine” by MercyMe and I sort of fell to my knees to worship Jesus. I told my cousin on Facebook, “He is Jesus. He is dead” (He being the guy I liked). One night I thought he was speaking to my mind so I got up and walked to his house (which happened to be in the same neighbourhood) only to find that he wasn’t up like I imagined he would be. There were some times that I would randomly select verses in the bible to read only to find that it coincided with real life. For example, I thought I was developing magical powers and I was trying to remove hair from unwanted places. It didn’t work (surprise surprise!). And then I opened up the bible to a verse that talked about how magic was forbidden, punishable by death. I remember praying to God for forgiveness.

There was a strange point at that time where my husband said the word “Jezebel” and he said that it came from nowhere, it just popped out of his mouth. I told him that he would be the one to figure it out. And then the next day, the first song that comes on is Edith Piaf, “Jezebel”. Here are the lyrics:

Jezebel.
Jezebel.
If ever the devil was born,
Without a pair of horns
It was you,
Jezebel, it was you.
If ever an angel fell,
Jezebel,
It was you.
Jezebel, it was you.
If ever a pair of eyes,
Promised paradise.
Deceiving me, grieving me,
Leavin’ me blue.
Jezebel, it was you.
If ever the devil’s plan,
Was made to torment man,
It was you,
Jezebel, it was you.
‘Twould be better I had I never known,
A lover such as you.
Forsaking dreams and all,
For the siren call of your arms.
Like a demon, love possessed me,
You obsessed me constantly.
What evil star is mine,
That my fate’s design,
Should be Jezebel?
If ever a pair of eyes,
Promised paradise.
Deceiving me, grieving me,
Leavin’ me blue.
Jezebel, it was you.
If ever the devil’s plan,
Was made to torment man,
It was you,
Night an’ day, every way.
Oh, Jezebel, Jezebel, Jezebel.
I thought that my crush was speaking to me, because he had already alluded that I was like Eve tempting him, I fell to my knees and I prayed, even in front of my husband. I didn’t realize at the time that Jezebel was a false prophet and considered evil in the bible. I repented of my sinful behaviour, and it was heart-felt.
I thought God gave me His plan for my life. I thought I was to bear a son and he would be the king of the world. I would watch the news about war and think I was to be a missionary. I went to a church with my friend and we had a spiritual moment – she said to me “The Holy Spirit is Strong in You” and she looked as if she was in some kind of trance… and as she said that, I saw like, a heat wave or mirage emanating from the top of her head, as if her head was a candle flame and there were heat waves above her. The church sermon mentioned bible passages would speak to me and I would bring it to my husband. He said to one of them, “You really can’t be lukewarm about it.” I was just so excited. My cousin talked about his “abilities” and he mentioned a sort of laugh. I prayed to God to show me what it was. Then something came over me and I started breathing for 20 counts and it was an excited breath that probably filled my brain with lots of oxygen. It was ecstatic breathing.
There was one night when I was at the hotel and I asked my husband to come and get me. He came. Then I got so confused or something, it felt like I was losing my mind. I told him that I needed to go to the hospital. He convinced me not to and we made love and it was like we made love for the first time ever. Like, as if I was a virgin, or that I was Eve and he was Adam. I felt there were spirits involved, like Angels. We got back together.

One night, I was tired and knowing that I hadn’t slept much, I took a sip of wine and took a sleep aid and then I had a vision. I saw angels at a waterfall saying, “DON’T BE AFRAID” and then I saw the pope. And then, I thought God was revealing truths to me. I wrote them all down but that is when I started to have doubts of what I was experiencing. I wrote down that Buddhism had part of the truth. It sounded to me that it came from my mind. I started to question whether what I was thinking was real or imagined.

Later that same night, I was on top of my then husband and said, “I am falling in love with you.” That’s when the darkness came over me and I felt that God was trying to kill me. I went to the ER to seek help… but I felt like I was getting catatonic, so I ran away from the ER and went to the grocery store to buy something to cut myself with. Then I went to the parking lot of a variety store and believed that in order to make the universe right, I needed to die. It was at the moment that I was trying to kill myself (I cut my wrist and my neck open) that I realized that God gave me gifts. So, I called 911 and I was admitted into the hospital.

Once I was in the hospital, I was saying that I was Satan, and then I thought I could be in hell because I had thought my husband wasn’t on the cell phone when the police officers tried to find him and was miraculously removed (later I checked and he was on it, but it wasn’t easily identifiable). I thought God erased him from my life, and I was okay with that because I knew God was good and I didn’t deserve anything. Then I thought I was in heaven because the nurses were so kind in helping me out.

While in the hospital, there was a point where I was laying down on my bed and I thought there was a helicopter coming and I thought my crush was coming to save me. I screamed, “He is Jesus”. I felt like I could feel a burning in my chest where my heart was. It felt like I was following my heart. I felt like I was following God. I bowed at night time around 7pm to show my submission and obedience to God. I listened to worship music.
Eventually I had enough sleep and my brain functioning started to improve. There was a point where someone gave me a black card from a card deck and a darkness came over me and I breathed that ecstatic breath and it went away. Then I went towards the nurses. I did an exorcism to one of them, saying, “Be gone and never come back in his body.” I fell to the ground. Then I came back up. I felt itchy at my neck and I thought God was trying to do a miracle and heal my neck. I was trying to take off the bandages. They stopped me and tied me up, thinking I wanted to hurt myself. There was a point where this guy yelled at me and I said, “get away from me Satan” and I heard him apologize (not sure if this was imaginary or not). I remember he was screaming at one point too and he seemed to feel really guilty about something so I decided to say to him, “I forgive you.” Later, when I was an outpatient, he shook my hand – I think it made a difference.

Discussion

So I believe there were a few things that was happening to me. I likened my experience to Abraham. He really wanted something – a son. But it wasn’t happening, even though God promised Him many descendants. So following the pleas of his wife Sarah, he had a son with their concubine. But that wasn’t God’s plan. God gave them a son, even in their old age.

But God tested Him. God wanted to make sure Abraham’s allegiance was the Him and not his son. So he ordered Abraham to sacrifice his son. Surprisingly, he was willing to and was about to when God said STOP.

I feel that’s what happened to me. Sadly, I was in a loveless relationship. I wanted nothing but true love. And I wasn’t getting it. And instead of seeking it verbally, I tried to find my own way to get love. So I fell in love with someone else. But God wouldn’t have it – He had other plans. I tried to fall in love with my husband, but I never could – God would just not let me. So that’s when God wanted to make sure my allegiance was to Him and not myself. And I submitted. That’s one lesson I have learned. I had to trust in His plan… but it took a long time.