Another Episode – On Understanding Love, Returning to Music, and more

Another Episode – On Understanding Love, Returning to Music, and more

 

In this article,

  • Summary of New Episode for a New Year
  • Time Travel
  • The Men: Nelson and Matthew
  • Then There Was Aaron
  • What I Learned about Love
  • Back to Music Making

 

Making Diamonds Out of Dust

Hello, and welcome to my blog! It’s been a while since I last posted. This instalment of my blog will focus on my most recent episode and what it taught me. My next blog will be more information on my return to music, as well as a new podcast! Stay tuned for more information.

The article will talk about several different things. Firstly, I will sum up my episode the best way I can. Then, I will talk about love, what I have learned from love, as well as some theories I have about time travelling and quantum mechanics, and finally, about my return to music (like the prodigal daughter). All these things were like dust that were turned into diamonds by fine-tuning me and edifying me to be the wife and mother I am supposed to be at home.

Summary of New Episode for a New Year

I missed Christmas again!

If I could use one word to describe my episode, it is love. It has always been about love for me. I am a sappy person, to be honest. I love rom-coms, I love the concept of true love and finding your match. This is just how I am built, I am an idealist when it comes to love. So when this episode started, you shouldn’t be surprised that it was ultimately about love.

I was working at a new job at Winmar Property Restoration Specialists. They are an excellent company, and I highly recommend them. I was trying to treat everybody the same, but there was one man that I saw differently. He was special. He was scary, intimidating. He swore a lot, which didn’t help his cause (I was attracted to that), and he talked fast. I couldn’t understand him, he was mumbling so often. So I tried to get him to slow down, and I tried to be ultra friendly with him. I sent an email, essentially saying that I was intimidated and to just be patient with me while I try to understand him. I still hadn’t developed feelings at this point yet. But then he started to return the friendliness on high to disarm my intimidation, which then led to a move that convinced me he was flirting on a more deeper level. We are both married, but we were both struggling most likely (knowing he was going through counselling and for me, just a general sense of lack of love). And then it became all about the eye contact. We made a tremendous amount of eye contact (he only has eyes for me).

By the way, during this time, while I was praying and sorting out my feelings, my intuition was clearly telling me to go home, and quit my job. But not wanting to appear crazy or foolish, I kept up the job.

But by beginning of December, stuff started to get rough. In the first week of December, I started to lose sleep, and I was losing weight. And then the next week, I lost even more weight and lost even more sleep. And then the last day, Friday, that I had my job, it was a terribly slow day. Not just for me, but for the company (and I think my object of my affection, or OOMA, too). I remember worrying about him, not knowing where he was, and emailing him. When he was at the office, a female colleague was rubbing his back as he had his head down. Then something bad happened at end of day. Someone who had recently quit came into the office to pick up a cheque. But he was told to call the owner first. When I tried to call the owner, no one picked up. So then that female colleague I mentioned came over and witnessed him swearing and leaving in a hurry, slamming the door in a fit of anger.

Well, the female colleague was rushing the men over into the reception area, telling them I need rescuing (which I found odd). The supervisor came over and brought me chocolates to make me feel better, and my OOMA reluctantly came over and talked to the ex-co-worker. It was all a flurry of emotion. The female colleague asked my OOMA if he could sit with me all day, to which he said he can only be with me until 1pm. And then another co-worker came to the reception and said to see everyone back at the office Monday at 8:00am (which I thought was a little odd at the time for him). Then the last thing I remember is my OOMA making a peaceful but tired smile, then leaving the office. I never saw him again after that.

This freaked me out a bit afterwards, because the last time I saw that smile was in a dream where I saw my recently passed mother making that face while speaking telepathically that everything was going to be okay).

Let me also say that I thought I had made peace with everyone at work up until this point.

But then I knew something (bad) had to be done. If I was going to be a loyal wife and mother, I wasn’t able to be able to go back to work Monday to be with the man I was having intense feelings for (what I described at the time as an explosive love). So I self-sabotaged. But instead of doing the right things, like telling Andrew, calling a crisis line, or just plain ol’ going back to the hospital, I sent a message to him, the OOMA. I decided that, knowing he likely had strong feelings for me too, I told him I had never felt like that before and believed it was true love. I did finally tell Andrew and his mom, I didn’t say anything about wanting a divorce or sleep with someone. I just wanted to let them know I was in love, and that I didn’t fall in love (which seemed important to distinguish, since it was always about mutual respect with my OOMA).

So then I was in the ward. By then, I was believing we were going in a new dimension, or blending the dimension of heaven and earth, and that I was going to be meeting Jesus in the sky very soon (in fact, I though I saw a mini dried up version of an astronaut in the ward which I flushed down the toilet). I was also believing that giants were going to be in our future (my OOMA was tall).

During the initial assessment to determine whether I should be in the inpatient mental health ward, I was hearing women orgasming. It was like the hospital was a den of pleasure (pain and pleasure being two sides of the same coin much?). It was so strange. I even heard an announcement about the fire alarm, and the woman speaking was speaking with a seductive tone, which I knew was real because people in the inpatient mental health ward kept talking about it.

Then I felt like I was going to meet the highest dimension version of my true love. But it was a woman, which was strange to me.

Then, I was placed in a room with a bed and was told to change into a gown (which apparently later, I found out through a nurse there was blood everywhere from menstruation, and I don’t even remembering bleeding at all. I had decided before this that women would bleed in the new world but would not need a pad but instead, let it go in these special shorts that captured the blood but made it possible for men to still smell kt… or that it would be okay again to bleed everywhere again like old times). Then, when I was there, I felt like I was being watched by my true loves, specifically a man from Union Gas that I thought had a connection with me, and they were having a hoot because I was solving all the problems of humanity like a good mother earth would do.

In the ward, many things happened. I met a few men that later became very loving in general (I will talk about them below), and a few miracles as well.

First of all, while I was in the crisis portion of the inpatient mental health unit, I was not as scared as others were while in there. I remember it being dark and dingy. I was actually pretending to be like celebrities when I was locked in my room (like Gal Gadot, Britney Spears, that kind of thing). I was even trying to have the accent of Gal Gadot, and I kept trying to talk with an accent (this is important for one of the men called Matthew I bonded with below). And I truly believed there was going to be a concert, so like Britney Spears, I was performing my dance, and be in the zone. In fact, one of the men there, I will call him Ryan, compared me to Britney Spears (let me say that I look up to Gal Gadot more, but I see her as being ultra innocent, where Britney Spears is probably closer to me in personality, being a rebel at heart).

There was a point in the crisis part of the ward that I fell. Literally. I really hurt my head. The nurses were all gushing over me, and I told them it felt like I fell out of an airplane and fell on the top of my head really hard. Later, it reminded me of what birth pains might feel like for a baby. I bet the force of going through a vagina is similar to the velocity of falling from the sky and landing on your head.

Time Travel

In line with my theory that height has something to do with time travel (think getting closer to the speed of light stretches you), I am pretty certain that a nurse named Lucy, who was very esteemed just, said that sometimes she’s 5’10”, sometimes she’s 5’8” (totally playing into what I was theorizing at the time). There was a patient there that reminded of someone I knew with the same name, who might have actually been from the future as well (she was there when Lucy made that comment). She was lamenting that she couldn’t trust others. I denied this, because I believed we should always keep an open heart. (If this is true, then when we went back to reality, she would be someone who learned from what I said).

The Men: Nelson and Matthew

I met a few men, one of them I’ll call Nelson, and the other I will call Matthew. I will talk about them more below, but Nelson became someone I bonded strongly with, and I believed he was going to do great things. We were getting charged up together while watching a preacher on TV. Then Matthew, I believe I saw him for the first time in that portion of the ward, and he was hard for me to focus on, for some reason I am not sure who he was – just as if he was travelling ultra fast in relation to me and he materialized blurry for me when I tried to focus on him (like the sense of quantum mechanics where if you can see someone’s velocity, you can’t see someone’s location, and visa versa). All I remember is that he gave me a sense that was was an Un-unbeliever – that he believed and stopped believing over and over again. He reminded me of a pastor I used to have during my baptist days during university. (Just thinking of this now, then that would mean this Matthew had quite possibly came from heaven to materialize right in front of me.) Then when I saw him, I screamed at him – I am not sure why I did, but I felt like I needed to scream at him.

Once we were on the other side, Nelson was great at being my friend. But after helping everyone I was able to help at the time, I still need to figure out this Matthew guy. I started to see that there was a peking order that was happening in my mind, and that Matthew was the highest, then Nelson, then me. I was witnessing miracles in the ward as well, and even evangelized successfully to a number of people.

Then one night, Nelson was talking to me and we both saw Matthew come. We waved him in, and he started talking. He said that he was a bass player but also plays all sports (which he later clarified in my presence he didn’t play hockey much, which was so cute). Then he started in strong details about voice fluctuating, or talking with a certain tone… I found that hugely interesting because I thought he was reading my mind about talking like Gal Gadot. And when they say to follow your bliss, this guy has got me thinking I could be very much like Gal Gadot, beautiful and innocent. One night, when he was in his bedroom, I ran in – to which he yelled “get out”, and all the nurses came in a flurry to reprimand me. I kept saying, “I try too hard to be such a perfectionist, I needed to do something stupid” (at the time, I was always afraid of being a statue of Mary or having locked in syndrome, which is the reason why I feel in the ward and hit my head).

Then him and Nelson were in the quiet room, and I started feeling like a sense of panic, so I ran into the quiet room and told them I felt something bad was about to happen. Then Matthew ran away, and Nelson asked me what was wrong. I told him I felt like I was going to fall. So then he brought me to the nurse and I started to feel better (at the time I was convinced we wee after the time of the fall so falling wasn’t a thing in this universe anymore).

After this, I kept trying to communicate to Matthew but he wouldn’t let me. He would completely ignore me. It was like I was chasing him, pursuing him (reminding me of Catch Me If You Can). But then there was a moment where I felt bad, and when he left a room knowing I was there, I went to his room and told him, “You can have the room, I won’t be there so don’t worry”. Shortly after this, there was a moment that I will never forget. It was like a movie but even better. I was walking in the hallway towards Matthew and a guy I will call Roger and Matthew stopped him, and helped him. I was going to walk away and give them privacy but I felt like a little hand was tugging at my shirt to show me to stay and witness. Then I overheard a conversation, he talked about an acupuncturist, Matthew told him he was going to give him his number, and then said to Roger that he had to get his own place. Then, when I sat down to process this gesture of goodness that he showed to Roger, and the little nugget I understood to mean I was supposed to know that he is single or going to be. Then Lucy, a nurse, said to me that this is pure love.

Nelson witnessed that conversation too. He realized, I believe, that he was not the one for me, and so started to crash pretty hard. I always wondered if that was supposed to happen or not, but he was so young compared to me, and I didn’t want to take advantage of his goodness.

Then the last thing that Matthew and I did, which showed to me he did have at least sexual feelings for me (which is what I was looking for at the time, being that I was hypersexual), and as I was sitting against the wall in the hall way, he moaned and grabbed his pants near his crotch. And then when he walked again, I checked him out up and down, and he moaned again.

He left the next day, and so did Nelson shortly after.

Then There Was Aaron

By this time, I was feeling close to my normal self. And Aaron came in, and was new to me. I remember when he first came in, I prayed and he kept answering my prayers of showing up (4 times in a row). It was amazing, but he felt that he and I were experiencing poltergeist, that it wasn’t good. And then as we became fast friends, he started to manifest feelings of love as well (he heard voices in his head not to listen to me regarding spirituality, which coincided with my believe that a women not preach over a man, and he felt physical touch in his hair and body as well). Then I realized that there was definitely something between us, but we couldn’t do anything because I was married. He was also very supportive about my marriage. I left about a week after I met him.

What I Learned About Love

Before, I used to believe that you had to find your soul mate. Maybe my OOMA, you know, was supposed to be my soul mate. But after being in the ward and realizing I could have all kinds of different kinds of love in my life, even if OOMA was my pure, true love and soul mate, it meant more that I focus on the gift of free will. Maybe God puts certain people in your path for a reason, and for a time. Maybe all of my exes were there for a reason. Maybe OOMA’s purpose was to give me a hope and a future. Something to look forward to in the next life. But what God cherishes the most is not when He can control or manipulate us (be it by answering prayers, performing miracles, etc.) but when we can exercise our free will and be whoever we want to become, and be with whoever we chose. And I will always choose what’s best for my family. And lizbet needs a mother.

I’m hoping for no more episodes. We are going to do everything we can to prevent another episode. Even if I never hold a job again (Winmar sort of felt like the peak, since I felt like I was with my soulmates… I haven’t felt like that since high school in after school band). We’ll do whatever it takes to help me stay true to my word, my choice.

Back to Music Making

Thanks to my episode, I have taken a ride on the creativity train and used it to propel me back to music. I remember telling Matthew that I had lost my music. And in a major sense, it was true. I wasn’t creating music, wasn’t performing music, barely practiced and almost never listened to music save for what was on the radio while driving. This was a sad existence. The reason why I stopped writing music was because in 2014, I used a man outside of my marriage as a muse, but went too far in, essentially falling madly in love with an idea of a person (if you want to read more about that episode, click here). So essentially I was scared into making more music out of fear of using it to fall in love with another man illegitimate Ly. At least in this episode, there was no falling in love. It actually felt more like an explosion and that there will be loving ripple effects from our love.

Luckily, although not so lucky too, because of my most recent episode that started with a hospitalization (more on this below) and my need to process difficult emotions, I was able to get back into music. I literally wrote 20 songs and 2 poems while in the mental health ward, with topics ranging from being a queen and wanting to choose my mates (yes, plural), about multiple dimensions, about a love that manifests physically even from far away (like a ghost), etc. It was a way for me to get into a zone and get outside out my head. It was effective, it was good, and I wanted more music making.

Once I returned home, Andrew (my husband) noticed my strong desire to get back into music, full force. Being that he is a tech wiz, he set me up with an amazing songwriter station.

my songwriter set up

He purchased a new computer (which he won in auction), a new midi keyboard, a new $600 digital drum kit, a stool, and a microphone. Along with the existing desk (which was newer) and Garage Band (a free songwriting software), I was all set to start making music. I have already composed 3 songs using Garage Band (one rap, one country, one jazz, and working on a 4th dance song). I have been very productive, although still slightly manic at times, so I need to be careful. I will be starting a new podcast, which I will post on this blog. It will likely be everything bipolar, including my theories and music.

Thank you for reading, and feel free to leave a comment if you’ve had similar experiences!